Apr 24, 2007

Just shut the fuck up

The two sanctimonious smug cunts on ITV are the worst. In addition they have David Pleat who, cleverly tricks you into inviting his voice into your living room (Good evening everybody) as you reach for your control, not fully understanding why you are turning the volume up and not switching over.

Slowly but surely, Pleat inflicts the listening viewers to a slow death, brain hemorrhage the result as they struggle to keep up with the creation of new ungrammatical sentences and mis-pronounced names.

I get confused with the two ITV lead commentators. I know one of the two loves Man Utd like a brother loves his sister in Burnley. What is obvious is that they are both quite obviously skilled, as its a difficult and rare talent to be able to describe the action on the pitch whilst choking on the metaphorical girth of the English team playing. It's not even commentary. Its like one prolonged ear bleeding induced sonnet, felched from Satan's arse.

ITV = horrible smug nonsense. May as well have Robbie Earl and his cotton bud on screen for 90 minutes screaming "WE ARE SO HAPPY TO HAVE A GAME OF FOOTBALL ON THIS CROCK OF SHIT CHANNEL".

BBC are also quite poor, but not to the extent of ITV. Seems Motty has gone the way of Junior Soprano. Verbally fidgeting high pitch wailing sounds and self-correcting mumbling. Repeating himself, getting players names wrong, asking daft questions which means having to listen to The Lawro state 'I told you so' countless times in 90 minutes. Its all gone pear-shaped at the Beeb.

Jon Pearce, we get it chief. You have eyes. And you can see. Praise the lord! We don't need to fucking hear you describe everything....every single incident....with profound effect and detail. We get it. Player A passed the ball to Player B. It's not fucking rocket science. They didn't just split the atom. Get a grip man. This isn't Capital Gold and there are no kung-fu kicks into the stands. Your glory days are over.

We also now have a woman commentating on Match of the Day. What next? Monkey Tennis World Cup?

And let's not forget our friends at Sky Sports. Andy Gray, the proverbial football slut of digital TV. One week he's tickling the balls of Manchester United. The next, blowing cum bubbles with Chelsea. He's had Arsenal too. And snogged Liverpool a few times. Shouldn't be surprising as he does like playing with knobs. Yes Andy, hindsight and several thousand pounds worth of playback freeze frame technology makes you the Oracle. Which, I'm guessing, makes Martin Tyler, Neo.

And there are others. If his heart stops pumping adrenalin it will be the day Jaime Redknapp dies.

Richard Keys, not a commentator, but worth a mention as it appears he has waxed his hands and arms. Be proud of your ape heritage! Fuck it.......its too late. You manics! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!



jonp said...


spooky said...

Hi Django!!

Anonymous said...