Jan 29, 2007

DEAR MR SPOOKY


DAN: thank you for adding me to your MSN list


SPOOKSTER23: you’re a bird, right?


DAN: what?


SPOOKSTER23: show me your webcam


DAN: why?


SPOOKSTER23: listen honey, if you want some cyber-loving you’re gonna have to show me your goods


DAN: i think you’ve misunderstood my intentions. my name is Daniel and not Danielle


SPOOKSTER23: dude, i don’t do wood-on-wood action or any of that dick-tapping-monitor shit. try Mike-T69 if that’s your bag


DAN: no that’s not why i’ve logged on. At least not tonight


SPOOKSTER23: unless you’re about to send me pics of your legally aged sister in her panties, I’m gonna block you


DAN: Spooky, this is Daniel.


SPOOKSTER23: yeah, I got that the first time you said it, hence the soon to be block


DAN: Daniel Levy


SPOOKSTER23: you what?


DAN: Daniel Levy. The Daniel Levy


SPOOKSTER23: LOL!!!1111 yeah, whatever dude


DAN: I know, I know, you are probably a little shocked that you are chatting online with me. I have to admit, it’s quite surreal finally ‘talking’ to you


SPOOKSTER23: Levy? HA! Yeah right. Another disgruntled glory-glory.net admin more like. Listen, I promised I would stop posting threads in your forums about mobile phones. I’ve stuck to my promise so stop hassling me. FFS, have you never used a Sony Ericsson? Its bloody difficult with the options and buttons and stuff. I get easily confused


DAN: Its Levy, Spooky


SPOOKSTER23: no chance. Whoever you are, I’ll find out your IP address and DOS attack you. Don’t think I wont do it.


DAN: check my MSN profile


DAN: you checked it? I managed to find your MSN chat name from one of the forums you use


SPOOKSTER23: your profile says Supreme Commander and Chief of Tottenham Hotspur and Athletic Co


DAN: Yes it does


SPOOKSTER23: it must be you.


SPOOKSTER23: Hold up, how do I know this isn’t a wind-up? How do I know this isn’t a trick?


DAN: Supreme Commander. Says so in my profile.


SPOOKSTER23: Still cant be 100% sure


DAN: then let me prove it


SPOOKSTER23: ok, last Christmas, what did you get from me? I sent you a present


DAN: Easy. You sent me a replica of the Devils Tower made out of bagels and a note proclaiming to beware of a close encounter


SPOOKSTER23: correct. I sadly couldn’t follow up that threat. Apparently standing outside your mansion with a cricket bat is deemed anti-social behaviour. This country has turned into a liberal joke


DAN: so you believe me then?


SPOOKSTER23: if you are him, whats with the online chatting? You’ve never answered any of my letters. Not a single one. In all these years. All the protests I’ve made, you just communicate through your lawyers and the police. And as for my letters…..all I get is one of those stupid complimentary slips with a picture of you playing golf and ‘Up the Spurs!’ written across it


DAN: yes, and I apologise for not being able to personally answer your correspondence. I’m a busy man. And legally, its not something I would be advised to do considering our history


SPOOKSTER23: so why are you talking to me now?


DAN: because it’s time to settle this once and for all. And with the aid of the information super-highway it’s a little less complicated than having to converse via the Royal Mail and letters


SPOOKSTER23: you send me a letter? More chance of spurs keeping a clean sheet


DAN: how very droll


SPOOKSTER23: so what do you want? Are you about to offer me the exclusive story that you are set to resign or sell the club back to its rightful owner, Alan Sugar?


DAN: theres more chance of spurs keeping a clean sheet


SPOOKSTER23: get your own jokes you plagiaristic sonofabitch


DAN: now, now. No crude language please. This isn’t the South Lower


SPOOKSTER23: ok. You know what. say what you wanna say. Cause if you are who you say you are, I’ve got quite a bit to say back. Saves me buying a first class stamp


DAN: thank you Spooky. I should probably start by saying……Dear Mr Spooky…


SPOOKSTER23: if I could slap you in the head using control alt delete I would


DAN: Allow me to first thank you for the effigy of my good self that you sent by recorded delivery after the Arsenal first leg semi-final


SPOOKSTER23: my pleasure


DAN: I understand you were unable to hand deliver it to White Hart Lane’s main reception due to the court order that bans you from going anywhere near the West Stand


SPOOKSTER23: I cant even go to my local corner shop anymore on the grounds that the owner doesn’t agree with me defecating on newspapers that print your image. No freedom of expression left in this once great country


DAN: Spooky, you have to understand we don’t allow paupers to venture to this part of the stadium. And after the incident where you chained yourself naked to one of the turnstiles chanting Levy has stripped us of our dignity, you understand that its important that such an incident does not reoccur.


SPOOKSTER23: typical rich living-in-the-sky chairman, doesn’t want to hear from the people down below in the dirt


DAN: if you wish to partake in such activities in the Park Lane its of no concern to me. As for the effigy, it’s one of the more interesting gifts I have received in recent times.


SPOOKSTER23: cheers. I’m glad you liked it.


DAN: I particularly like how you attached a secondary effigy of a cockerel, which my effigy appeared to be straddling in a position you kids like to call ‘doggy’. I don’t quite understand what you are attempting to state with this, but rest assured that the gift is currently presiding on the desk of the investigating CID officer.


SPOOKSTER23: is there a point to all your yabbering?


DAN: Yes of course. Are you sitting comfortably?


SPOOKSTER23: I’m in front of my pc. of course I bloody am.


DAN: I doubt it. You troublesome lot in the Park Lane wouldn’t recognise a seat if an Ikea fell on your head.


SPOOKSTER23: you know what, screw you.


DAN: no please, I apologise. It’s so easy to be obnoxious when using one of these computers. I shouldn’t be forgetting my private school education. I want to talk to you about your last letter.


SPOOKSTER23: which one?


DAN: the one where you said that I was slowly but surely destroying the very fabric of this club.


SPOOKSTER23: oh yeah, that one


DAN: you likened me to Moriarty to your Sherlock Holmes and that we were heading towards the Reichenbach Falls


SPOOKSTER23: Easier to meet at Bruce Grove. You never showed


DAN: I had other commitments, washing my hair


SPOOKSTER23: you’re so full of shit.


DAN: come now


SPOOKSTER23: no, you are. You want to talk to me about my last letter? listen up you bald MOFO, you haven’t given a shit about my opinion and my rage against your machine from day one. Where were you when I chucked a burning season ticket at your wife? Where were you when I dressed up as Chirpy and attempted to slide tackle you, and missed and ended up breaking Donald Duck’s leg? I’m frigging banned from Disneyworld because of that.


DAN: so much anger. Anybody would think we weren’t in the semi-final of the Carling Cup, the 5th round of the FA Cup, in touch with Europe in the Prem and progressing nicely in the UEFA Cup.


SPOOKSTER23: you must be drunk on the champagne you bought from selling Carrick to Utd


DAN: that money went on an indoor swimming pool, jacuzzi and purpose-built gym I’ll have you know. I oppose the fact you keep referring to my drinking habits


SPOOKSTER23: who the hell do you think you are?


DANKINGOFTHELANE: I’m the man responsible for you wearing that electronic tag


SPOOKSTER23: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF!!! Like I told the police and like I told the judge, I did not kidnap your f*cking dogs


DANKINGOFTHELANE: the police found them in your basement


SPOOKSTER23: and like my solicitor explained in court they must have followed me home when I was out jogging


DANKINGOFTHELANE: you live twenty miles away from me


SPOOKSTER23: I like to keep fit.


DAN: admit defeat. You’ll never burn your season ticket


SPOOKSTER23: that’s only because you’ve made them fire resistant . I’ve just seen that interview you gave Sky Sports News today. You said that its unlikely we will be busy in the transfer market between now and the end of the window


DAN: so?


SPOOKSTER23: you said you were happy with signing just Alnwick and Taarabt ffs.


DAN: ITS MY FRIGGING MONEY OK SO I’LL SPEND IT WHEN I’M GOOD AND FRIGGING READY


SPOOKSTER23: I could never trust the man who sold away our dreams and hopes. Andy Reid was not fat! He’s just small and stocky


DAN: theres a reason why I don’t have you banned from the Park Lane end


SPOOKSTER23: really? Why is that?


DAN: Because I know, at every home game, you’ll forever be looking up at me


SPOOKSTER23: IM GONNA F*CKING AVE YOU LEVY. I GUARANTEE IT. DON’T YOU READ THE INTERNET? FANS ON MESSAGE BOARDS ARE SLAGGING YOU OFF AS WE SPEAK. YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED MATE, NUMBERED


DAN: yeah whatever dude, while you walk up Tottenham High Rd eating your bag of chips having sat on a smelly train to Seven Sisters station, I’m working on my strategic masterplan for the clubs future. Have you ever tried writing down notes in a pad with a glass of port in one hand while trying to entertain two leggy blonde twenty-year old girls? There’s not as much room as you think they’d be in the back of a chauffer driven Bentley


DAN: and yet, with all these obstacles thrown in front of me, I’m still able to run this club with ease. Save your ink. Sit back, and enjoy Spooks. I run tings, tings don’t run me.


SPOOKSTER23: sit back and enjoy what? you killing the club, season by season? you let Anersen join Chelsea, you refuse to ban the ‘England’s number one’ chant from the ground, why is Mido still at the club? What the hell is a Rocha? Huddlestone needs to go on a diet. You didn’t sell King for £25M when you had the chance and now we’re left with a crocked player. Jol is naïve with his tactics. Our away record is a joke..


SPOOKSTER23: you still online?


DAN: Hey


SPOOKSTER23: what?


DAN: smell you later



DAN IS OFFLINE


SPOOKSTER23: this means war







1 comment:

SteveD said...

I think Levy just pwnd you spooks